Casper: A Haunting We Will Go
NOTE: All of Doug and Rob's riffs are voiceovered. (Open on the opening credits, starting with a shield adorned with the following: "U.M.&M. TV Corp. presents") Rob: The University of M&M's? Doug: The degree melts in your mouth, not in your hand. (The next part of the credits appears: "NOVELTOON") Doug: Wait, so I have to read this? Rob: I SAID NO SUBTITLES! (The next title is shown: "A Famous Studios Production") Rob: Well, if you have to say it in your name, it can't be that famous. Doug: No, no, we're really famous, guys, we swear! (The credits are now shown: "Direction: SEYMOUR KNEITEL – Animation: MYRON WALDMAN, IRVING DRESSLER – Story by: LARZ BOURNE") Doug: I don't wanna "See more Kneitel"! Is it normal to have this many credits before telling you what it is you're seeing? (The credits continue: "Musical Arrangement: WINSTON SHARPLES – Scenics: ANTON LOEB – Narration: FRANK GALLOP – Classified and Passed by the National Board of Review – RCA Sound System &dansh; Approved: MPAA Certificate No. 04477") Rob: This got the approved certificate for being really lame. (The next credit reads: "Caspers Friendly sic Ghost") Rob: (reading) "Featuring Casper's Friendly Ghost"? So, Casper's being haunted?? (Finally, the title for this cartoon is shown: "A HAUNTING WE WILL GO – Copyright MCMXLIX By UM&M TV Corp. – All Rights Reserved") Doug: Ah, Mike Flanagan's latest masterpiece. (The cartoon begins) I don't think anyone ever really believes in ghosts or ghost stories. THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING HERE? There is one they tell about an old deserted little red schoolhouse. Oh, great. How do we make Casper lamer? Put him in school! ..we will go, a haunting we will go, Boo! Boo! Boo! AAAAAH! Woah! Someone needs some ectoplasmic Ritalin! As said in the "Holy Booble". "Ghost-rinthians 3:12". They were all such willing and apt young pupils, that is, all except for little Casper. Aw, that's the look of someone who Googled his name. Why, he just wanted to be friends with everyone. All I wanted to do was make "TIMING!" jokes. For your homework tonight, we will go out and practice what we screech. Well now we know what happened to Miss Umbridge after the Potter series. HEARD IT! DAAAAH! Seriously, kid! Tranquilizers! Now, every night, while his classmates were out scaring the daylights out of people... Casper jerked off like crazy! At least my right hand can still touch things! And then I told that Atreyu kid "Quit horsing around!", not sure why he didn't laugh. Woof, Michaelangelo's coke years weren't kind to him. Crack is whack, little dudes! I was a turkey! And I was gonna ask him to marry me. D'Hoy-o-doi! Hi, Mr. Pelican. Oh no, the leukemia finally took Charlie Brown! That pelican wooks weirdly ok with what's going on right now. Eh, it's a living. Why am I having 80's flashbacks right now? Oh, that's why. Hi, ducks. My name is Casper, can I, uh- Cheese it! It's the ghost of Elmer Fudd! Quackquackquackquackquack! I might as well be dead. I don't think you know how this works. Woah, WOAH, WOAH!! What are you drying your eyes with? That's one absorbent ballsack! Oh my god, I was a woman. And a bird! Oh, you're hungry, huh? Here, suck on my teat. Oh, so Casper's a friend to everyone except worms. Lowly creatures deserve my scorn! Say, uh, aren't you afraid of me? Ah, that was the secret all along, just imprint on an infant! It's just like those Breaking Dawn movies! I told you never to mention those. I'm gonna call you, uh, mm, "Dudley"! I'm gonna call DCFS! HELP!! THE DEAD ARE RAISING ME!!! During the next few weeks, I'm sure you couldn't have found a ghost in better spirits than our little Casper. Well, there ''was ''the ghost of Orson Welles, he was full of a lot of spirits. And now, for a little magic, I'll make this jug of wine disappear. Listen, I aint no helicopter parent, get up yo damn self! Now you'd better watch me, because you'll have to learn how to swim. I just remembered how I died! Drowning! Good times, good times. That oughta give you a rough idea on how to swim. Do you really want to trust a dead person on survival basics? Oh hey, they float! They all float! Aw, shucks. Love you too! Each night, they would snuggle up in their little nest... DUAAAOUUUH!!! ...guard his little friend Dudley with his very life. Uh, or with whatever it might be called. I don't know what to call ''any ''of this, personally, but my children say I shouldn't judge. Uh, you're a ghost, it's going right through you. ...Kay. Ah, friendship is such a beautiful thing. I'm so drunk right now. ...but you have to learn how to fly sometime. Well, we all gotta go sometime, kid. Now you're gonna be dead like me! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! That's nothing. You just need some ground training first. All you need to understand is that world is flat! Quack? And the moon landing was fake! Quack quack? I have so many "real truths" to teach you. Quaaack! Now watch me. You see? To fly, you just have to be dead! Now you try it! No, wrong, wrong, that's wrong too, double wrong, are you even trying? How are you ever going to make varsity? I have no duck. Hooray, you're flying! Well, at last, you earned your wings! I was expecting more training from Spirit Airlines. Honestly I expected less. Bow-chicka-wow-wow. Say, I just found a new duck buddy! Hey baby, you come here often, I'm an Aquarius, what's with the silent treatment? This is all your fault, bye! Let's see, no fish to shoot, Oh, a duck will do. Well, i don;t think you can do much more in the first- Hey Dudley, where are you? Piss off, you pillowcase, I'm trying to score! Woah, woah, tipping is not consent! Guh-heh-uh-yuh, I'm gonna shoot that wooden duck! This is for Aflac's lousy deductibles! Oh boy, my final moments! Dudley, where are you? Dudley! Dudley! Shit's getting REAL! Oh yeah, he'll look great in a trophy room, keep at it. JESUS! Oh no oh no, nooooo! A Family Picture! Yeah, yeah ! Chew him up, doggy! Little kids wanna see his insides! Black duck down! Black duck down! I will cut you, bitch! A ghost! Fuck it dude, let's go bowling. Ironically, for the first time, Casper had to deal with death. ...Casper, your old pal, your buddy! Coming up next, kids, Casper's Friendly Ghost in "Sophie's Choice". ...say something! Dudley! Ow, Ow, My wounds! Oh, you;re terrible at this! Oh my god this traffic. Move it, Skyhog! Casper founded a charity for ducklings that was later revealed to be a Ponzi scheme, he's 20 to afterlife in federal prison. Christina Richie could not be reached for comment. Category:Content Category:Guides Category:ThatGuy Riffs Category:Transcripts